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holding onto something...literally.

last year when all of my seizures occurred, I was given a tennis ball. you're probably like..."huh??". every time right befor...

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

holding onto something...literally.

last year when all of my seizures occurred, I was given a tennis ball. you're probably like..."huh??". every time right before my body went into a seizure, my right hand would twitch and then curl. I described it as it feeling like an owl head, because it felt like it was turning around and around, even though it wasn't. After I realized it did this every time, my hand began to twitch whenever it wanted, and it gave me the biggest feeling of anxiety, because I thought I was about to have another one.

this happened for a couple of months, and then when my family went on vacation over the summer, my dad had an idea to reduce my stress over it, and bought me tennis balls that I could hold in my right hand when I was feeling anxious, or whenever so I wouldn't be fearful of it twitching. I carried it around a lot of places, I had an extra one in my purse for the longest time, and I slept with one in my hand.

fun side note: while my dad and I were in Minnesota at the Mayo Clinic, he drew a face on one of the tennis balls, and named him Timothy, and so every one who knew about "him" called (and still calls) him Timmy. every time my dad saw me with Timmy (lol), he would say "I thought y'all broke up??" "you need to stop seeing Timmy".

it was funny in the moment, but after a couple of months of holding him (that sounds like I have a baby or something, oops), I told myself that I didn't want to keep relying on this thing, this worldly item to calm my nerves. I didn't want to still have to sleep with a tennis ball when I'm married down the road, all because I had fear of my hand twitching.

the key thing that God taught me through 2018, was peace and how to implement it into my life. I wasn't listening to what He was saying to me until after I got back from the Mayo Clinic, so I struggled with fear and anxiety more than I had ever before. I was fearful every second of the day. I'd plan out where I'd go, or where I'd sit, just incase I were to have a seizure, I'd be in a safe place where I wouldn't fall.

having the tennis ball at the beginning was definitely a positive thing and helped me out a ton, but then 10 months later, and I'm still using it...that's called being dependent on something of this earth, and not reliant on the things above, The Peacemaker.

one night I decided I was going to put Timmy up on my dresser and go to sleep without having him in my hand. it didn't end well. I laid there for about 10 minutes and I was struggling to fall asleep because I didn't have "him" with me. I ended up grabbing him and going to sleep. a couple of weeks ago I started to not use the ball at all, and I would hold onto my pillow like I would with the tennis ball and then slowly ease off of that. I no longer have to fall asleep with it in my hand, WAHOO!!

it may sound silly, but I really did think that I would have to sleep with a tennis ball for a big part of my life, thank goodness I learned why I was doing it and how to help stop the habit.

I didn't write this post to tell you about a yellow, round thing, that my family calls "Timmy", but to tell you that I was relying on something good, BUT of the Earth, and NOT something good and Godly.

is there something in your life that you're becoming too reliant on? is it a relationship? maybe you feel like they're the only person you need or you can't seem to find a way out of it. a sin that you're continuously doing and feel like there's no hope to intervene with it? maybe it's something else. maybe it's a tennis ball to calm your nerves. I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be stuck, or attached to anything like that. God is the one that makes peace, He's literally called The Peacemaker, so why don't we reach out to him more often, instead of using what we know to be "best"??

remember, it's okay to hold a tennis ball to calm you down, but it's not okay to hold onto the tennis ball, more than you're holding onto God's hand. hold His hand. let Him be there for you, and not something that's dragging you away from Him.

Sunday, April 7, 2019

heyyyy guys, I'm back!!!

Heyyy!! I kept wanting to post something and then never got around to it because I never made time for it, but here I am and I'm going to be posting regularly, hopefully at least once a week!!

I thought I would give an update on life and what my dreams and hopes are for this blog and just for my life!!

So if you have never visited my blog, thanks for checking it out, and I hope you enjoy it!! I haven't posted anything in almost 6 months, and that was never my intention, so a lot has happened since the last time we talked!

Life update: mid December was my last seizure and it has felt so nice to finally feel hope about getting better and overcoming this battle with fear and anxiety that I once severely felt. I have learned a ton and have been able to trust God more and see that He never left me, and that He never planned on it, even when I didn't think that He was near to me. I enrolled in two online classes at OSU-OKC where I have taken classes at before, and it made me feel better about making progress on my health, because I was actually doing something for myself and it felt really nice. I also made a resume and applied for a job. I ended up getting it and I love it. In the job, I became an RBT (Registered Behavioral Technician) where I am able to work with kids diagnosed with Autism, and see them improve, even if it only seems minor to others, and I absolutely love it.

Future update: I have decided that I'm not going back to school next semester and going to continue to work as an RBT. My dream is to become an Interior Designer (I know, nothing to do with being an RBT, oops) and own my own business with designing and organizing. If you know my dad, he loves to build and turn old things into new with whatever needs it or wherever he sees it. I would ultimately love to start a small business with him and be able to have the same clients and work with each other on redesigning and building different things for whoever needs it. Ever since I decided that I didn't want to return to college next semester, people have looked at me funny and questioned me several times on why I didn't want to or why I'm not. I don't understand why because if it's not for me, then it's not for me and I can be successful without it. If you're getting the same questions, then keep believing in yourself that you'll be successful if you just put your heart into it. I'm really excited about where I'm headed and where I could potentially be going with a career!!

thanks for reading and I hope to see you again!! :))

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

being thankful, always.

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This post is about what I'm thankful for and why we need to be thankful continuously and not just for what is on our "thankful lists", which I definitely could work on.

Thankful List:

1. The Cross and The Bible
I am so thankful for the cross and what it means. That a selfless man would die to set us free, not because He had sinned, but because we had and knew we were going to in the future. He loves us so much and what a beautiful reminder that is. The Bible is such an awesome reminder of that too because sometimes we tend to forget what He has done because of how our day went or the season that we are in and there are so many examples in there that can change our mood and that can tell us that there are too many reasons not to be thankful.

2. Family and Friends
I know "family and friends" is such a usual thing for everyone to put on their list, but I really don't know where I would be without mine. The season that I'm currently in, is the hardest one by far, and everyone that started it off with me, is still here and still encouraging with constant reminders that keep me going. Even when I get upset over something, and I don't have the best attitude, they are still there to take me wherever I want to go, or just sit and be with me. Thank you Jesus for bringing them into my life and letting them stay.

3. Health
I almost laughed as I typed this if we're being honest. "Why would I put that I'm grateful for my health if I started this year off in an ambulance unresponsive, and I'm still to this day having seizures and have no 100% answers??" When I'm looking at this past year from an ungrateful point of view, I have every reason to be mad and angry and ungrateful, which sometimes I find myself in those moods, but I have no reason to. Life is hard. God never promised that we wouldn't have hard times or that we would have perfect health. But He did promise that He would be with us always all and never leave us, and that promise is all throughout the Bible.

4. Laughter
I love to laugh. Adore it. It is definitely in my top 5 favorite things ever. I am one of those people who laugh so hard that they cry (so hard that it looks like I am extremely upset) and I also snort while still laughing. I love laughing because it is so full of joy and smiles. I also love it because it clears all of those fears and worries out of your head. Even if it's only for 5 seconds, it's 5 seconds you weren't stressed out about something and instead you got to smile and laugh. 

5. Shopping 
This is also definitely in my top 5 favorite things ever. I adore shopping, or just adding things to my wish list or shopping cart because you know, I don't always have enough money for everything I want..(; But I am thankful for this because I love fashion and that there are so many styles that you can choose from, because one of my favorite things is to be different than everyone else. No not better than everyone else by any means, but if we were born to stand out, why not use clothes as an addition to that?? 

6. Worship Music
Singing is definitely not a calling of mine and not a God given gift, but I do love singing worship songs with the volume up loud so you can't hear my voice. The reason I love these songs is because of the content that's in them and the reasons they were wrote by the artists. I also love being in church or at a concert with worship music being sung because the people that were called to sing, are singing, and you can just feel the Holy Spirit in the room and in you while you sing the songs.

7. Freedom
Not only do I get the opportunity to live in a free country, but I get to live freely in Christ.
thankful I am free.

8. Hard Times
To some it may sound silly to say that you're thankful for the hard times that you go through, but there's not another way to go about it if we're being honest. I'm not saying if you ask me every time that I have a difficult moment thrown at me that I'm going to say "yes, I love this. I never want to leave this season of life." No that's not it at all. But if I keep reminding myself of what I want to say, which is "thank you Jesus for this hard time. the only way I'm making it through this is with You, so help me surrender everything to You. I am so thankful for all that You've done for me, and all that You're going to do with this difficult moment." So whatever you're going through, remember, God is always there, and so am I.

9. Good Times
What an easy thing to be thankful for, the good times. The times that we are excited for and actually want to live in for awhile. But, I think that we just enjoy the good times. I don't think we are actually grateful for these times, we take them for granted way more than we should. If we are enjoying some thing, be thankful, if we aren't still don't change your mood. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I encourage you to make a list of the things that you're thankful for and the reasons that you're thankful for them. It gives you a different perspective and you're reminded to give thanks for them more often. I would love to hear what you're thankful for and all of the reasons why. I am thankful for you and for taking time to read this post. Don't forget that Jesus loves you and so do I, have a great week!!(:

Friday, November 2, 2018


I wanted to write a blog post about something that was near and dear to my heart, but I didn't know what that was just yet. I happened to look down at my hand where my ring that said "yes & amen" was. I started to think about why I had gotten that ring and what it truly meant, and thought that that was a perfect topic.

The ring is based off of the verse:
"For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory." 
2 Corinthians 1:20

One of my favorite songs to worship to is Yes and Amen by Housefires. If you've never listened to it, once you're done reading this, go give it a listen. All you'll want to do is hit replay over and over again, I promise. My favorite part in the song are the lyrics: "I will rest in Your promises, my confidence is Your faithfulness". I think it's one of my favorite worship songs because if you really take apart the words, you really get to know who God is, and what His promises are. And where and what you're really able to rest in. 

If you've read my other posts, or know me personally, you know that this year hasn't been easy and there's been a lot of medical issues going on personally. Well during the hard times, it's hard to remember all of these promises and how good God really is in the midst of the trials, as much as I want to turn my eyes to that, it's really hard sometimes. When I thought about this post, I was thinking of what God's promises are and what they aren't. What He's saying "Yes" to and what He hasn't promised at all.

So my mind is usually filled with lots of overthinking and fear and doubt. You know, the things that should be far away from my head. One of the thoughts that comes in when I'm talking to God is "Hey God, can You please never allow me to have a seizure ever again? Can You please give the doctors all of the answers I need to get rid of all of these issues? Please". But that's one of the things that God doesn't promise at all. He has never said "I will fix all of what you think are issues and you will have the life you have always dreamed of." He has never said that. He wants to give us even better than that, we just can't picture that right in the midst of everything. But what He has said was "Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:15). God promises that He is always there for you, and He promises to always be right by your side. He never leaves you, ever. And He never will, because of how much He loves you.

Another thing that He promises us is that He has a plan for us. See Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Nowhere in this does He say our specific plan, that's why it's called faith. To 100% lean on the Lord, with everything you have. He doesn't say "Maddie, this is when you'll have a seizure and this is what the doctor will say about this and about that." If that's the way that it went, I'm pretty positive that I'd be more stressed out and filled with more anxiety, because I'd know when something that I'm afraid of would be happening. So this just shows me that I need to constantly be thankful for everything that is going on in my life. Whether it's something that I would have asked for, or something I would never have wanted in my life. Be thankful always, because God always has a plan for your life and everything happens for a reason, even if you never find that reason out.

I wanted to share this because I know someone reading this needs to hear these words as much as I need to keep reminding myself of them. I also wanted you to know that I wrote this from a perspective of having gone through this, and still currently going through it. I haven't conquered it, and it takes time to do so. But just keep pushing and remind yourself of His constant promises and that He is always there for you, and so am I, so comment below if you need to talk.

I love you guys and I'm so thankful that you've decided to read my blog! Have a great day!